Creme de la Phlegm

(words and music by Ian Butler)

He’s the top of the slop, the skim of the scum
and the cream of the crap
the latest of the great procrastinators, and the bleeder of the pack
he’s everybody’s favorite enemy, and my least favorite friend
he’s the creme, the creme de la phlegm
he’s the creme, the creme de la phlegm

Gonna eat your Dog

(words and music by Ian Butler)

I’ve heard you talking ‘bout me for a couple of weeks
calling me a commie vegetarian freak
I’m breaking my vow on a 50 dollar bet
I’m breaking in your house and I’m bringing a net
You say there’s nothing wrong with a little meat
and the animal kingdom is ours to eat
what’s true for the chicken, the goose and the hog
is equally true for your cute little dog
I’m gonna eat your dog, I’m gonna eat your pet
I’m gonna teach you a lesson that you won’t forget
I’m gonna wrap your Schnauser in a hot dog bun
when she’s good and done I’m gonna eat your dog
oh yeah, I’m gonna eat your dog
I can picture her there inside of your house
with her little dog toys in a little dog blouse
I’m gonna throw her a sacrificial T bone steak
so she won’t bark and you won’t wake
I hope you learn your lesson, that everyone’s an animal
every animal’s someone, every carnivore’s a cannibal
but if that ain’t enough to show you where it’s at
I’m gonna skin your little Fifi and make myself a little fur hat

The Red Zone

(words and music by Ian Butler)

You might think you’re the king of the street,
but I’m top of the heap when I’m on my beat
with my walkie-talkie and my three wheel bike,
you better show respect ‘cuz I’m always right
I don’t care if you’re broke, I’m a petty tyrant
and you just parked by a fire hydrant
the kids are gonna have to go hungry today
‘cuz you’ve got a forty dollar bill to pay
you might complain but it ain’t no use
I’m well versed at verbal abuse
I can take it and give it, I got nothing to hide
I’ve got the arm of the law on my side
I’ll play am Elliot Ness to your Al Capone
I’ll play a king  bee to your measly drone
and I’ll make sure that your day is blown
if I catch you red handed in the red zone
in the red zone
If me and my baby get in a fight
and I’m sleeping on the couch for a couple of nights
you better keep the car way out of my sight
‘cuz I’ll be showing just whose got the might
that’s when I’m letting it all hang out,
that’s what having this job is all about yeah
having a scapegoat whenever I need one
believe me man you don’t want to be one
I’m making up laws that don’t exist
messing up lives with the flick of the wrist
obliterating windshields with my tickets
and letting them all know where to stick it
in the red zone
Now the cold hard fact you all must face is
there’s twice as many cars as parking spaces
and as if there was ever any doubt
we make twice the money when the meters run out
than we do from the money that you put inside
why do you think that they say time flies
and prices rise if you don’t pay  that ticket you got
and pay it right away, it just goes up
and it never does stop,
what the hell, you might as well walk
in the red zone

Tone Deaf

(words by Frank Olivier, and Ian Butler, music by nobody)
LISTEN
A and F and C and G,
they all sound the same to me
‘cause I’m tone deaf , I’m tone deaf and I don’t care
I’m not musical like my brothers,
all the notes sound just like all the others
‘cause I’m tone deaf, I’m tone deaf and I don’t care
my music teacher told me that I’d never go far
I can tunafish but I can’t tune a guitar
‘cause I’m tone deaf, I’m tone deaf and I don’t care, I’ll sing anyway
la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
now you may wonder what this song sounds like to me
it sounds like a symphony to me,
because I’m tone deaf, I’m tone deaf and I don’t care

Karen (Inspector of my underwear)

(words and music by Ian Butler)
LISTEN
Oh Karen, I’m carin’ about you
Karen, I can’t dress without you
it feels so good it’s just not fair
Karen, inspector of my underwear
Karen, inspector 393
karen I know you’re carin’ for me
I can feel you holding me right there
Karen, inspector of my underwear
the first time that I put on your handiwork
I marveled how it fit me like a glove
my testicles both told me it’s such dandy work
I couldn’t keep from falling into love
Karen, your love is starting to fray
Karen, I feel you fading away
I search the world in vain for another pair
from Karen, inspector of my underwear

Colorblind Todd

(words by Ian Butler , music by Rob Wullenjuhn and Ian Butler)

I got a friend, Colorblind Todd, his rod is a cone and his cone is a rod
but Colorblind Todd’s color ain’t flawed, he’s just colorblind Todd
Colorblind Todd, Colorblind Todd, colorfully colorblind, Colorblind Todd
you might think his color is odd, but he’s just Colorblind Todd
When I go to sleep at night, I close my eyes to the colors bright
I dream a dream in black and white, I dream about Colorblind Todd
When he dreams, he dreams in color, dreams about his colored mother
a different color than any other, colorful mother of Todd
Todd has got a colorful pod, when he eats it he sees God
a colorful God in a colorful pod, the color of Colorblind Todd

Addiction go Round

(words and music by Ian Butler)

You light a cigarette, put it in between your lips
you smoke it up in style, down to the filter tip
you do it 30 times a day, until you wheeze and cough
so you take up marijuana, to help you to get off
Addiction go round, addiction go round
with every revolution, more tightly you are wound
wound up like a yo-yo, bouncing up and down,
bouncing to the sound of the addiction go round
Marijuana make you happy, marijuana makes you sing
marijuana makes you lazy, and  you don’t wanna do a thing
and then you get busted, was your neighbors did the finkin’
so you look for something legal, and turn to heavy drinking
you start to hit the bars, you hit them every day
and then you hit some cars you pass along the way
so you go to AA meetings, to help you learn to cope
you cope like  all the others, with a coffee and a smoke

Stinky Dancers

(words and music by Ian Butler)
LISTEN
If you’re going out to do some dancing
be sure to put on your best dancing clothes
don’t forget to bring along your earplugs
and bring along some more plugs for your nose
Stinky dancers - stinking up the place
stinky dancers - sweat in running down their faces
stinky dancers - smelling pretty skunky
stinky dancers - how’d they get so funky
You can see them looking in the mirror
they think they know what everybody thinks
they think everybody thinks they dance so thoughtfully
but everybody thinks that their dancing stinks
Stinky dancers - cutting up the rug
Stinky dancers - took some kind of stinky drug
stinky dancers - love to dance and rave
stinky dancers - don’t they ever bathe?
I don’t want to be an advertisement
but there is something I think you should know
if by chance you are a stinky dancer
there is someplace I think you should go
down to the drugstore - gotta get yourself a product
down to the drugstore - gotta put that product on
down to the drugstore - and you will find salvation
but if you don’t then you will find that everybody else is gone
Stinky dancers - they know not what they do
stinky dancers - immune to their own PU
stinky dancers - I worry ‘bout their health
stinky dancers - gotta deodorize themselves

Rush Limbaugh Ate My Dad

(words and music by Ian Butler)

Rush Limbaugh ate my dad, Dr. Laura cooked my mom
now their brains are fried, and all that’s left inside
is right wing propaganda and some homophobic rants
I called to say I love them, but I never got the chance
Maybe I need to join, maybe I need to quit
maybe I need to fight, maybe I need to fit
maybe for the good of the family
I need to play along and nod my head
maybe I should argue brilliantly or maybe I should just play dead
and now I know how they felt when I joined that cult
and now I know how they felt when I took those drugs
Rush Limbaugh ate my dad, Dr. Laura cooked my mom
now their hearts are toast, a parasitic host
has swallowed their compassion and I wish it would return
sometimes I find myself wishing that they listened to Howard Stern
they taught me right from wrong, they taught me good from bad
but they can’t even tell, logical from stark raving mad, Rush Limbaugh ate my dad

The Repetitive Blues Blues

(words and music by Ian Butler)

I got a little problem,  I repeat myself a lot
repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat,
I got a little problem I repeat myself a lot

Lipstick on my Dipstick

(words and music by Ian Butler)
LISTEN
Listen up now I’ve a story to tell
how I messed up my life with a smudge and a smell
and a bottle of rotgut whisky at the Old Crow Bar
just as the last sip was scraping my throat
my eyeballs and kidneys were starting to float
a woman appeared a-smoking on a Cuban cigar
With my vision and judgment both duly impaired
my conscience asleep and my nostril a-flared
I carried her out to the back and in my machine
I still had me enough sense not to drive
so I climbed in the back and she gave me a ride
that made me start wishin’ I had me some Dramamine
12 hours later I awoke in the trunk
I looked like Atilla and smelled like a skunk
and proceeded to drag my sorry butt back on home
my girl was there at the top of the stairs
who holds all the leases and does the repairs
and pays for the cable, the garbage, the water and phone
I still couldn’t keep a good span of attention
but necessity being the mother of invention
I managed to make up a story quite worthy of merit
it made me look holy, it made me look chaste
explained my condition and why I was late
for breakfast, dinner and lunch, and feeding the parrot
she fell for it all and she fed me a muffin
reheated from lunch in the microwave oven
and started to carry me upstairs and into the bed
just when I thought that I had it made
as she took off my jeans and Bolero was played,
she stopped and stared, and this is what she said
She said, there’s lipstick on your dipstick
and I don’t need a mystic
to know that you been sleeping around
your underwear’s been plundered, baby you blundered
 when you forgot to wipe that sucker down
I hit the ground running, went out the back
into the night and I never looked back
wearing nothing but three feet of astroturf off the lawn
now I’m a mess, I’m a boat without a rudder
now my address is a back alley gutter
‘cause my rudder was red as a ruby and smelled like a prawn
so be you all moral, be you all good
wash between the kneecaps and under the hood
and if through an excess of liquor you make a transgression
if cleanliness is next to godliness, smell thee not of codliness
lest that smell, maketh the wrong impression

Thirty Days on the Road

(words and music by Ian Butler)

I could use a shower, I could use a sink
I could do some laundry, I don’t want to stink
I just want to shoot my load, but I got a dirty gun
thirty days on the road, and I’m going on thirty one
I can’t eat my breakfast, I’m too sick to eat
I might be infectious, I’m drowning in grease
hope I find me a commode, ‘cause I’m too tired to run
thirty days on the road, and I’m going on thirty one
I could use a detox, I could use a purge
I’m just gonna retox, I cant stop the urge
I could croak just like a  toad, I’m having so much fun
thirty days on the road, and I’m going on thirty one

Dead Atheist Friend

(words and music by Ian Butler)

My atheist friend is dead I guess
or maybe I’m just paranoid
he didn’t even leave a forward address
he disappeared back into the void
Dead atheist friend, my dead atheist friend
I really want to see him again
my dead atheist friend
maybe he’s in heaven or maybe in hell
blissful or bummed to be wrong
he won’t get to gloat that he doesn’t exist
if it turns out he was right all along
nothing is certain, nothing is sacred
nothing is perfect, nothing is forever
for my dead atheist friend
I know that a negative can’t be confirmed
and there’s no way of proving your view
but if you’re not there please don’t give me a sign
‘cuz it’s really the least you can do

I’ve Fallen (in love) and I Can’t Get Up

(words and music by Ian Butler)
LISTEN
I’m on a date with Dominique yeah
she tied my hands and she tied my feet yeah
my tongue is tied I can’t speak yeah
she blindfolded my eyes for some hide and seek yeah
I’ve fallen in love, I’ve fallen in love
and I can’t get up,  and I cant get up
She tells me I’m bad, tells me that I’m strange now
she tells me that something’s gonna have to change now
oh Dominique put away those chains now
there’s still a few things I don’t want to derange now
I’d ask her please to marry me but she just gagged my mouth
I bought her an engagement ring, but I can’t get it out
I know there’s no use struggling against these knots of leather
I’d be so happy if she tied the knot forever, ever, ever, yeah
Dominique, I think you’ve gone too far now
Dominique, please take me to my car now
just wanted to play, wanted to spar now
I draw the line where you drew that scar now

Half a Song

(words and music by Ian Butler)

It’s only half a song, the quantity is wrong
it’s half a song too little, and half a song too long
you can sing it in a minute, you can sing it on the run
it’s just begun and it’s halfway done ‘cause it’s only half a song
It’s only half a song, I split  a song in two
I hate to waste  a half a song, when half a song will do
and so I gave the rest, to some guy at CBS
and I would go on but this half is gone ‘cause it’s only half a song

Big Red Heart

(words by Ian Butler and Dan Strickler, music by Ian Butler)

(words by Ian Butler and Dan Strickler, music by Ian Butler)
Last year I put a little red heart on the door
and a littler red heart upon the door the year before
now it’s bigger, it’s better, it’s brighter and it’s redder
and my heart on isn’t little any more
‘Cause I put  a big red heart on this Christmas
Upon the roof to spread my Christmas cheer
‘Cause I put a big red heart on this Christmas
The biggest reddest heart on yet this year
The neighbor to my left put on a reindeer
the neighbor to my right put on a sleigh
but they’re so lame,  so boring and mundane
beside my big red heart on proud and gay
And when old Santa flies by on Christmas
soaring through the darkness of the night
I know he’ll find the way to my house as clear as day
he’ll see my big red heart on shining bright

The Shrieking Sphinx’s Shrinking Sphincter Stinks

words by Ian Butler and Avril Hughes, music by Ian Butler)
LISTEN